


Two Ninjas Walk into a Bar...

by KizuKatana



Category: Naruto
Genre: Blind date trope, M/M, Not meant to be serious, arguments on who should top, canon characteristics, crack!, idek?, tongue in cheek about some of their character elements, total silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 02:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9637445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KizuKatana/pseuds/KizuKatana
Summary: Sakura sets canon-ish Naruto and Sasuke up on a blind date. This is their first time meeting, but they have all their canon traits. CRACK.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Двое ниндзя входят в бар...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10719759) by [Crazy_cake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazy_cake/pseuds/Crazy_cake)



**Summary** \- Two ninjas walk into a bar… Blind Date!Trope. Crack!

 **A/N:** This is just something silly that I wrote to entertain myself because everything in my country right now is completely insane and I needed something ridiculous. I'd been sort of toying with this idea for a really long time and finally just jotted something down. PLEASE NOTE THIS IS CRACK.

* * *

A young man with electric blue eyes, blond hair, and a bright orange tracksuit sat at the bar, taking a drink from the beer the bartender had just placed in front of him.

"You must be Naruto," a deep voice spoke from behind, and Naruto turned to see a strikingly attractive man with dark hair and pale skin. Pale skin that was significantly on display with the white shirt the man was wearing open to almost his navel, revealing a toned, smooth chest.

"Sasuke?"

The man nodded, sliding onto the stool next to him. "Sakura said you would be… hard to miss," he said, pointedly glancing at the clothing the blond man was wearing.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Says the guy dressed like a gay pirate."

Sasuke frowned, but ordered a drink when the bartender approached.

There was a slightly awkward pause as Naruto took another sip from his beer while Sasuke eyed him warily. Finally, Naruto spoke.

"So... Sakura said she thought we'd... hit it off, I guess?"

"Hn," Sasuke said noncommittally, but said nothing further, sitting stiffly at the bar as he waited for his drink. Naruto watched him for a moment.

"Look, don't get me wrong, but you don't really seem to want to be here. You're not dating someone already, are you?"

"No," Sasuke replied tersely.

"You're not straight, right?" Naruto glanced over Sasuke's clothing and answered his own question. "No, definitely not straight. So… what's the deal?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Dating is annoying. Blind dates are even worse."

Naruto couldn't argue with that. He was only here because Sakura had bullied him into it. She had gone so far as to put her black glove on, so Naruto knew she'd been serious. He liked his balls round, not flattened, thank you very much.  A sudden realization struck. "What did Sakura bribe _you_ with to get you here?"

There was a slight flicker of surprise and… acknowledgement in Sasuke's expression. "She promised never to call me ' _Sasuke-kun_ ' again if I made it through the entire date."

Naruto snickered at the slight inflection Sasuke had put on the words. Yeah, he could totally hear Sakura saying that, and it would get pretty annoying if she did it alot.

"What about you?" Sasuke asked. His tone was flat, but still somehow managed to convey both commiseration and condescension.

Naruto shifted in his seat, his fingers picking at the label of his beer bottle. "She, ah… might have agreed to convince someone to stop stalking me."

Sasuke arched a brow. "You need Sakura to stand up for you?"

"No, it's just that I might have… not noticed it for a while and the girl stalking me is, um, really _nice_ , but… you know… _stalker._ I've sort of been trying to avoid saying no, but then she confessed to me in front of the whole village and I just sort of… pretended like it didn't happen, so… yeah."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but he seemed to relax somewhat in his seat as the bartender brought over the small bottle of sake and a matching cup for him.

"So neither of us wants to be here. But we need to get through the date," Sasuke summed up.

"Pretty much," Naruto raised his beer in salute to Sasuke assessment of their situation. "And I'm sure Sakura has paid off the bartender or one of the waiters to make sure. So, _Sasuke_. Let's do the date questions. What do you do?"

Sasuke shifted on his stool to face Naruto, seeming to accept the approach Naruto had taken.

"I've changed employers recently, but, generally, I kill people."

Naruto nodded, taking a sip of his beer. "Cool. Why'd you switch employers?"

Sasuke shrugged, pouring himself a drink from the sake bottle. "I beheaded my last one, so I had to make a change."

Naruto choked slightly on his beer. "Really? Whoa. That's… intense."

"He had personal space issues."

"Okay. I guess that… could get annoying."

"Hn," Sasuke hummed in agreement. "What about you?"

"Oh, right. I'm also trained to kill. Though mostly I just try to talk people into doing what I want, instead."

Sasuke tilted his head. "Isn't just killing them simpler?"

"Yeah, sometimes. But it's more fun to get inside their heads and like… totally rewrite who they are as a character, yanno? Make it seem like all they needed was a big hug or someone to talk to and they'd never have tried to like… flatten the village or enslave the entire world or whatever."

Sasuke looked at Naruto skeptically. "And that _works_? God, you must go up against really lame-ass opponents."

Naruto huffed slightly. "Hey! It totally works! Usually. Of course, if it doesn't, I just turn into this like… rabid fucking demon and rip them apart with my bare hands and teeth. So, you know… either approach works, I guess. One or the other."

Sasuke's eyes lit with interest. "Demon?"

"Oh, yeah, well…," Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "You know how it is. I have this like… voice in my head that always tells me to kill people and burn the village to the ground and shit. But usually I don't listen to him."

Sasuke took a large swallow of his sake. "Right."

"Enough about work. No point focusing on the boring stuff, right? What do you like to do for fun... any hobbies?"

Sasuke thought about it for a moment as he poured himself another drink.

"Hm. My biggest hobby is probably hunting down my brother. I spend pretty much all my free time on that."

"Oh. He's missing or something? You trying to bring him back home?"

"No, I want to kill him," Sasuke said casually. "And maybe steal his eyes. I haven't really decided yet."

Naruto's glass froze midway to his mouth. "Umm... his eyes? Really?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Yeah. He has killer eyes. My eyes are also good but…," Sasuke's lips tightened. "That's about it for me. You?"

Naruto drained his beer, signaling the bartender for another one, then cleared his throat. "Well, I like to change myself into a girl with really big boobs and run around the village naked. Freaks all the old guys out and makes them act like idiots." Naruto's eyes lit up. "Hey, I could show you if you want?"

"No. I have no interest in naked women. At all."

Naruto's eyes widened briefly, then skimmed back over Sasuke's pirate stripper outfit. "Yeah, ok. I guess that makes sense."

Sasuke glared at Naruto, looking pointedly over Naruto's garish orange clothing. "Clearly you do, though. Or just attention in general? What kind of ninja wears bright fucking _orange_? Isn't the point supposed to be stealth?"

Naruto glared back. "Like I said… I either try to talk them to death or turn into a demon and rip them apart, so like… subtlety isn't really my thing either way."

Sasuke looked skeptical.

"Meaning you aren't any good at it," Sasuke said, smugly.

"Bastard! Like you're so great. You think a hot guy running around half naked is _stealthy_? Have you _seen_ how many people looked at you when you walked in?"

"Tch. I don't know what Sakura was thinking. You are too much of an idiot for me to date," Sasuke said.

"Oh, yeah? Well, you're an asshole! I don't know why she was going on and on about how great you are."

"Whatever."

The two men glared at each other for a moment.

"Look. It's pretty clear that this whole 'date' thing was a terrible idea."

Naruto nodded, his eyes flickering down over Sasuke's bare chest before returning to the man's face again. "Right.  Let's just skip the rest of this 'get to know you' crap and get right to the fucking part."

Sasuke eyed Naruto for a moment, then nodded, signaling the bartender for the check.  "Let's go. Your place nearby or should we just find a hotel?"

"Why my place?"

"I live with three people, one of whom routinely hides in my closet to watch me sleep and steals my dirty laundry."

Naruto gave a weak chuckle. He'd found Hinata in his closet once, too. "Yeah, stalkers are the worst. I'd _never_ chase someone halfway around the world, following their every step, just trying to get them to acknowledge me like that."

Sasuke seemed to hesitate for a moment, looking at Naruto assessingly.  He didn't look entirely convinced about Naruto's last statement, but eventually he nodded again.

"Ok, let's set some ground rules. I should clearly top. Everyone knows that 'semes' are always cold and emotionless. You're too nice and show too much emotion to be 'top'."

"Yeah? Well you're too pretty to top. Tops are supposed to be muscular, masculine, and rugged. Your face is so delicate looking, you kinda look like a girl. I'm clearly the more masculine. And I have more muscle definition than you."

"I'm smarter. Seme's should be the smart ones."

"But you're prissy. Uke's are prissy. I am not ashamed to 'guy' things like burp or fart or scratch my balls. You pretend you don't even _have_ any of those body parts. That makes you the uke, Sas-UKE."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "We could fight for it."

Naruto grinned ferally. "Bring it."

* * *

 

**The end**

So there you have it. Pure silliness! Because we all need something to laugh about that isn't the state of my country right now. *sighs*

 

PS!! If you are feeling depressed about the politics right now, google "Netherlands second" and see one of the best clips of political satire EVER.  I almost died laughing.  Now there are ones for most other EU countries as well, but this was the first and omg, the guy who did this is a GENIUS.


End file.
